Sunday, August 5, 2007

Sex Ed. 101 for Women

When I got pregnant for the first time, I don't know about you, but I was, all of a sudden, worried about my appearance down there. I didn't want all the OB-GYNs, and whoever else, to see an unruly mass of curly pubic hair. And while I am sure they have seen hundreds, probably thousands of vaginas, they haven't seen mine. But what was I going to do? I was NOT going to get a Brazilian Bikini Wax! Oh no, spread my legs wide open for a total stranger to see me in all my hairy glory?? Bite my tongue to keep from screaming as she rips my hair out with hot wax? No, thank you.

It was time to give myself an old-fashioned trimming. Once, in college, all the girls talked about shaving themselves bald. My next door suite-mate said she even let her boyfriend do it for her. [commence blushing and giggling!] So I tried it. Grabbed a razor and some shaving cream and then nervously shaved my coochie, praying to the She-God that I don't give myself a razor cut and bleed to death and then my epitaph would say, "She died while shaving her vagina." After that, I spent the next 2 weeks itching like crazy as the hair grew back, sharp and pokey. I wasn't going to do that again! I felt like a guy, constantly reaching down there, adjusting and scratching, hoping nobody saw me.

Anyway, there I was, in my bathroom getting ready to give myself a pubic haircut. I took my clothes off, sat down on the edge of the tub and angled a mirror to see my hairy coochie. What I saw nearly knocked me to the floor. What is that?!? That's not my coochie! What happened to my nice, pink vagina? Where did this purpley-red swollen thing come from? No one told me that when you get pregnant your vagina morphs into a purple blob! After I made a panicky appointment with the OB-GYN, she assured me that I was absolutely normal and after I had the baby, my vagina would eventually return to "normal". Normal being pink, stretched-out vagina.

Round 2, after the OB-GYN appointment where I was told that my purpley-red vagina was normal, I still thought I needed a trim, as if a nice pubic haircut would offset the Blob down there. So I grit my teeth and grab the scissors and start hacking away. I'm not sure if I improved the landscaping but I felt better about it. Finally my long pubic hair wasn't getting caught in the underwear and pulling a lone hair that can bring a charging mama elephant to her knees. You know the feeling, I know you do! A hot, sweaty vagina that's all purpley-red and swollen with crazy hair going every which way and getting tangled in the underwear and then you sit and one little hair gets yanked. Yow! It's all you can do not to reach down there and rip off your underwear. Oh no, like polite little girls, we shuffle to the bathroom as fast as we can without running, where we lock ourselves into the bathroom stall, reach inside the underwear and free that lone hair. Ahhh!

After having my 3 babies and exposing my vagina to at least 50+ people, I feel a little more braver about a Brazilian Bikini Wax. It is something I'd like to try and then I can check that off my 'Curious List'. But now you "Non-Mamas" know... when you get pregnant, not only does your belly grow and give you stretch marks (unless you're one of the lucky ones and get none), not only do your hormones go wild and turn you into a hungry, ice cream-craving (insert your food craving here) lunatic, not only do you get that "pregnant glow", not only do your boobs get bigger (yay!) and sore (boo!), not only do some of you get varicose veins on your legs, you also get a purpley-red blob for a vagina. Don't panic, it does return to normal. Stretched-out normal!

19 comments:

DJ Kirkby said...

Lol, I am a midwife so this really made me laugh! Plus I have been there too, do not I repeat do not give in to the urge to have a brazillian, urgh, ouch! I have tagged you hon, come on over.

The Good Woman said...

Heck Jenny - no holds barred! And so true. Just wish I'd known about you before...well..you know... the purple thing...blush!

darth sardonic said...

i laughed like crazy at this one. i also tagged you for a courageous blogger award, as well. details in today's post.

jenny said...

Dj-- Chances are, I'll never get a brazilian, I am fortunate enough to have a Hubby that loves me just the way I am! :o) I am glad you liked the post!

I'll be right over!

Good Woman-- Hee hee! What can I say.. I like to tell it like it is! :oD

Darth-- Thank you! Glad you laughed! And thanks for the award. I'll be right over!

DJ Kirkby said...

I voted for you but got a bit confused at first and tried voting on the thumbs up on your blog, then realised after a while that I had to follow the link, duh. Too early in the morning for me after a week's holiday.

Krissie said...

Remind me not to get pregnant. Oh wait, not gonna happen anyway.
lol, too funny, as always. And just a bit scary.

Elsie Button said...

ha ha brilliant! very well put. i loved the line 'I felt like a guy, constantly reaching down there, adjusting and scratching, hoping nobody saw me'

oh yes that long hair getting stuck and also at really innappropriate moments!

Sparx said...

Ha! I posted about this when I was pregnant - I met someone who called it 'lady gardening' which made me wee laughing. It's amazing how suddenly important it seems when you're 9 months pregnant!!!

lady macleod said...

only you could tell such a tale and have me laughing AND blushing simultaneously! well done indeed!

Motheratlarge said...

Oh my goodness. I still remember the look on my husband's face when the nurse came in a few days after I had my daughter to check everything was okay 'down there'. He was stationed at the bottom of the bed - a big mistake - and I could tell from how nice he was to me afterwards that it hadn't been a pretty sight!

Kelly - said...

OMG Jenny - you had me howling with laughter!

I must say every word you say is very true!

You are, indeed, a very brave lady in writing about this.

Your blog is my very favorite and I actually check yours first every single morning when I get up!

- you really ought to consider writing a book, you have a true knack in writing!

Kelly -

jenny said...

Dj-- I wish it was a linky picture, but is isnt, or if it is, I don't know how to do it. I am planning a post about the interview next. Bear with me and Thanks for voting!!

Krissie-- Hey, ya never know.. You just might meet the one guy that sweeps you off your feet!! And anyway, it's SO worth the purpley-red blob to have kids!

Elsie-- See! I knew I wasn't the only one that gets hair caught down there!! Hee Hee!! Isn't it such a pain?!

jenny said...

Sparx-- Really? You wrote a post about that? I'll have to go through your earlier posts and read it!

Lady M-- Thank you!! As if having red hair was not enough, now you have a red face too!! LOL And thank you for the award!! :o)

jenny said...

M@L-- Oh yes.. My Hubby was down there, too, when the nurse came to look at me. His remark was, "Poor, poor coochie" LOL I felt every pain that first time and walked like an old hunched over lady. By the time #3 came along, I was up and about in 5 minutes!

Kelly-- Welcome!! And Thank you! I'm flattered that I am your daily read and hope I continue to make you laugh or think or learn a thing or two. If I'm lucky, maybe one day this Blog will lead me into writing a book.. Who knows?!

Dana said...

Too funny! I think you should also let everyone know that the legs are not the only place that you can get varicose veins. Really, really, really, NOT a pretty sight.

Lisa C. said...

Boy, I find it hard to believe that you stood on the roof telling the world about your private part.
I cut mine often with my cordless trimmer because I hate having the long hair that put urine on my hand when I wipe it with some toilet paper.

jenny said...

Dana-- That will be a post for another time, cuz inquiring minds want to know! :o)

Lisa-- Now you just told the world about your private part!! :o) LOL! Yes, I borrow Hubby's old trimmer sometimes, too. I've always been know to tell it like it is and what you see with me is what you get.

Lisa C. said...

Ha ha! I'd been waiting for a couple of days till everyone finished reading your post before I posted my comment.

LaRonda said...

This is one of my favorite posts! Hilarious!

~ LaRonda