Thursday, May 5, 2011

The Day Something Exciting Happened In The Morning And Made The Rest Of The Day Boring

Ever have one of those days? Something unusual and unexpected and exciting happens and then the rest of the day just putters along, nothing compares and you sink into a dark, depressing hole that just swallows you whole. Ok, a little dramatic maybe, but what do you expect from a woman that's PMS'ing??? Seriously, after this morning, the most exciting thing that happened was Gretchen spitting down the front of her shirt! (??? I haven't a clue why.)

Morning routine happened as usual: Andrew wakes, lets the dog out and feeds the cats and dog. The kids wake and play and/or watch a movie. I wake and make breakfast for myself and anyone else that hasn't eaten yet. Sylvia comes running and tells me there's a spider in the sink. I go and get a paper towel to squash the little thing and then I spot it-- the biggest mofo spider I've ever seen outside of a zoo in. my. house. I froze.

"Go get daddy!" I scream as I stare in horror at the freakishly huge King Kong of spiders, ever so casually perched on the edge of a coffee mug in the sink. I swear the thing grew bigger with every sip of water.

Daddy happened to be in the shower, his head covered in shaving cream as he was in the middle of shaving when all hell broke loose and two little girls burst into the bathroom screaming for daddy to "Come and see! There's a big spider in the kitchen! Come and see!" He ignores them, thinking, it was just the exaggeration of children when they say 'big spider', and mama can handle it just fine.

Mama, in fact, was still frozen in the kitchen, watching Godzilla the spider grow another inch, imagining it jumping on my face if I even moved a step closer. I wielded a fly swatter and gripped it tight, but even that seemed puny in my white-fisted hands. I knew that if I even tried to swat at it, it would grab the fly swatter out of my hands and proceed to beat me senseless with it. Please God, tell me this is the only one inside my house and there aren't hundreds of baby Godzilla spiders getting ready to hatch from an egg that's been safely tucked away somewhere inside my house!

I commanded my kid to watch the spider while I ran to Andrew, who was STILL in the bathroom oblivious to the fact that his kitchen housed the biggest damn spider outside of a zoo, and was STILL shaving his head. I stuck my head inside the shower and told him to hurry up and kill the thing before it runs off and makes more babies!

Finally, the man comes sauntering into the kitchen, asking ever so casually, "Alright, what's all the hub-bub? Where's the little spider?"

"There! There!" we all scream, pointing to the sink.

He looks and looks at me and looks back at Godzilla the spider. Meanwhile, I have since scurried into the hallway, knowing, just knowing, that as soon as Andrew gets close to that spider, it'll jump onto his face and just like in the movie Aliens, proceed to wrap it's eight million legs around his head and lay some Godzilla-sized eggs inside his mouth. He tried to scoop it into a cup and take it outside, but it wasn't co-operating with him, so in the end, he squished it.

"Make sure you clean up the sink," I call to Andrew, from my safe location in the hallway. I do not want to even see a leg next to a fork or cup in the sink. I'd have to burn whatever that leg touched!

He's never going to let me live this down, but I don't care. Call me a pansy, a wuss, a fraidy-cat, but Godzilla sized spiders do not belong in my sink, much less my house! I'm going to be looking around all the time now, just waiting for a foot-long spider leg attached to an even bigger spider to creep around the corner, wanting to exact revenge on me for the death of it's loved one. It's torture, I tell ya! How am I supposed to go about my day always worrying there's going to be an even bigger spider than Godzilla the spider??!!

See what I mean? After this, the rest of the day is turning out to be so dull. Hanging laundry on the line-- yawn! Fish sticks and fries for lunch-- double yawn! Sorting through clothes for the kids-- super mega yawn!!

It's Cinco De Mayo-- maybe a spicy mexican dinner will liven things up tonight! Heck, I may even make margaritas, with double the tequila in mine! Goodness knows I'll need it if I'm ever going to fall asleep tonight! Just imagine the nightmare waiting for me once I turn out the light and my eyes close.


barefoot gardener said...

Yikes! I don't think you're a wimp... I would've jumped, screamed, and done all sorts of appallingly girly things... and I probably would have cussed a whole lot, too ;)

Ron said...

Heh heh... I enjoyed the drama. That would definitely make the rest of the day boring. :)

Cheyenne said...

OMG you had me rolling on the floor from this post. Loved the flyswatter comment. I think I would still be running down the road had I seen a spider as huge as you claim. I hate creepy crawlies.

jenny said...

Barefoot-- I had the littles around me, but had it been just me, I would have cussed up a storm, too! If it had been just me, I don't know what I would have done, it was a reallllllllly big spider-- at least 2-3 inches. ~shiver~

Ron-- yeah, nothing much happened the rest of the day that compared to the spider.

Cheyenne-- I can handle spiders outside, the make webs on the clothes line and I use my bare hand to clear the line and I even point out web tunnel spiders to the kids when I see them. But HUGE wolf spiders that jump freak me out. This was the largest wolf spider I've ever seen!!! I'll have to google and see just how big they can get because this was truly Godzilla for a non-tarantuala spider!

Erwin/Edith said...

WHAT, no pictures???? Then it didn't happen, no way, no how! :-D Next time grab a camera. Sounds like a lot of excitement. Love your narratives!

Love to all, Dad

jenny said...

Dad--- hahaha!! I have 4 kids and a husband to back me up!! :o) The thought of taking a picture came to mind, but it really did freak me out quite a bit. I looked up wolf spiders and it said the bodies can grow up to 2 inches, NOT including the legs. Sounds like mine alright!! At least I got a funny story to tell now, eh? :o)

Love you xoxox