I really do love the Holidays, but I am not feeling the Christmas spirit yet. We put up and decorated the tree, I pulled out my treasured Santas (Santa here was carved by my dad and painted by my Step-mom) and set them on the cupboard, I've been baking a few things here and there, but it feels forced.
A few Christmas songs have wound their way into my head and like a broken record they play: "I'm dreamin' of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know...." repeat endlessly because that's the only line I can remember from that particular song. I'll switch to something different, but after doing some sort of mindless chore like folding laundry, it will inevitably pop back into my head and I'm stuck with the endless one-liner. Which is sort of funny considering I am Deaf and shouldn't have music stuck in my head anyway.
Has anyone noticed a recurring theme in all the advertising for the Holidays this year? It's the word "wish". Grant a wish, What they're wishing for, what do you wish? Blahblahblah, wishwishwish. I'm getting real sick of that word and it isn't helping my Christmas spirit!
Maybe it is because we can't afford to do any sort of shopping and I have to go to the food store on a very tight budget. Not that we spent gobs of money on presents in the past, but there was usually an average of $25 per person spent plus a couple of homemade gifts and the baked goods. Maybe it's because I wish I could buy more fabric to make things. Or I wish I could buy more ingredients to bake things. Or I wish we didn't have to worry about money.
This year, I have dreaded giving Mom-in-law a Christmas list for the girls because I know that I can't really reciprocate on the gift giving. When we got together for Thanksgiving, I handed over the demanded list and left out anything for Hubby and I. Mom-in-law didn't like that and wanted to know what we wanted. Then Sis-in-law wanted to know what the girls wanted, too.
I know that they are aware that Hubby hasn't worked in a few months and I am sure they are sensitive to the fact that we don't have much to give by way of gifts, but it still makes it hard just the same. The Holidays are supposed to be about giving and spending time with each other and taking a moment to celebrate Jesus' birthday, I know all this, but that sense of dread keeps creeping back. It puts a damper on my Christmas spirit and I am trying to get out of this funk by making things. Small felt elf shoe ornaments that I plan to give to each household, so I can't put a picture here or I'll spoil the surprise. Peppermint cream candies and fudge. A few cookies.
I am trying to stay upbeat and positive for Hubby, encouraging him with words of love and kindness, telling him that someone will hire him soon. I tell him to keep the faith in God and that there must be a reason for all this, a lesson to be learned. My own faith is starting to waver and I am getting tired. I really do hope someone hires Hubby soon, tomorrow would be nice. A phone call from someone telling him he got the job. Something steady with a good health insurance plan. I'm tired of holding my breath every time one of the girls fall down and bump their head, or one of us gets sick and I pray it doesn't go beyond a cold and a cough.
I don't mean to sound like a moaning myrtle, but this is my journal, yes? If I can't be honest with myself then I'm not doing any justice to myself. I hope the Holidays will bring you all happiness and togetherness and lots of food to eat and lots of merry-making. I hope it comes to us, too.