Last week, with all the stress of working long hours at the shop, dealing with screwed up eating times and poor meals for the kids, 3 hours round-trip driving and being out of the familiar elements of home, my emotions finally couldn't take anymore and I had a little meltdown.
When I am at home, I am basically in charge of my surroundings. I wake, dress in a t-shirt and comfy pants, and then go about my day making sure I take care of the little ones as I go. Hubby does his thing, whether it is filling out job applications on the Internet or physically out hunting for job leads, or doing stuff around the house. Now that I am out of the house and working at the store, I feel a bit of pressure to make myself a little more presentable. I find myself spending a little more time on my hair, putting on my necklace and earrings, and then feeling frustrated when the nicest thing I have to wear is too fancy or more suited for cold weather. So I am stuck with wearing the same v-neck t-shirts I always wear, only this time I am checking to make sure there are no stains or holes, which just about eliminates half of my shirts. The pants I usually wear are 'around-the-house-pants' only. I don't dare wear them out in public, so that narrows my choice of pants down to three. Since Hubby isn't working and we are starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel with money, I can't run out and buy some new clothes. Sounds superficial, worrying about my clothes and my outward appearance, but my self-esteem has been a little low for a while now, and I was already feeling frustrated with my choice of clothing because I still haven't lost the baby weight from when I had Youngest. I am also surrounded by a bunch of mommies at the store with manicures and pedicures, nice clothes and the latest hairstyles and they look so much better than I do, and I really try hard not to compare myself because they may have great DNA or they put in more effort in their exercising and diet than I did, but still, I felt worse about myself than I normally do.
Add the low self-esteem to lack of sleep and poor diet from not being home and cooking all 3 meals like I usually do, worrying about how I was going to pay the big bills we have coming up, Hubby not working a steady job and the added stress of the store, I was headed for a brick wall. I had a crying spell and blubbered to Hubby all my woes and sobbed myself to sleep.
I need to take stock of what I have and what I am fortunate to be blessed with. We all need to do that from time to time, to remind ourselves that somewhere out there, there is someone in worse shape than I am and I shouldn't despair. I don't want to feel sorry for myself and have people pity me. I am not looking for a pity party and I want to remember that I have my family to support me and love me just the way I am.
~I am fortunate to have a loving Husband. He loves me the way I am, post childbirth body and all. He loves my high-pitched laugh, he doesn't abuse me in any form and is always there for me. He is a loving father to our children. He is my best friend, my lover, my everything.
~I have 3 beautiful girls who are healthy and happy. They are growing and learning and loving. I love having this chance to teach them things and watch them develop. I cherish the moments I have with them because I know that if I blink, they will be ready to leave the nest and start lives of their own.
~We have family and friends that we love and love us back. Our children have loving grandparents and plenty of aunts and uncles and cousins. We have friends that help us out and we would do the same for them.
~I have a roof over my head and we are able to pay the mortgage every month. As long as we have our house, we are okay.
~We have food in our pantry. We have food from our garden. I am able to feed my family and keep their bellies filled. I was able to make jam from wild berries and grapes found on the property. I was able to grow yummy fruits and vegetables.
~We have nearly 15 acres of trees which help keep us warm in the winter with their wood, keep us cool in the summer with their shade and give us plenty to eat with their fruit. Not to forget, homes for the animals, too!
~I have the consignment shop to work at and while Hubby isn't working, I am, so there is always some form of income, even if it isn't a lot, a little is better than nothing. We are able to clean house and sell clothing and toys and getting full price instead of 50% and then that money will go to the bills we need to pay. Without the shop, I would have no money and a messy house!
I know there are things I can do to improve our situation. I need to step up to the plate and do more. Pretty soon, my stint at the store will be over and it will free up my time again and our routine will go back to normal. I can resume selling things on eBay and eke out a little bit of money from that with all the stuff we find at yard sales. Hubby has a job interview next week that sounds really promising and we are praying and hoping that something good comes of it. I also know there are things I can do to improve my self-esteem. I need to be more diligent about the food I eat and pay more attention to my diet and exercise regimen. I have a whole stack of jeans and tops that don't fit and I am eager to get back into. I am feeling better and this is what I needed to do for myself. To take stock of what I have and pay no mind to what I don't. Thanks for listening.