Sex Ed. 101 for Women

When I got pregnant for the first time, I don't know about you, but I was, all of a sudden, worried about my appearance down there. I didn't want all the OB-GYNs, and whoever else, to see an unruly mass of curly pubic hair. And while I am sure they have seen hundreds, probably thousands of vaginas, they haven't seen mine. But what was I going to do? I was NOT going to get a Brazilian Bikini Wax! Oh no, spread my legs wide open for a total stranger to see me in all my hairy glory?? Bite my tongue to keep from screaming as she rips my hair out with hot wax? No, thank you.

It was time to give myself an old-fashioned trimming. Once, in college, all the girls talked about shaving themselves bald. My next door suite-mate said she even let her boyfriend do it for her. [commence blushing and giggling!] So I tried it. Grabbed a razor and some shaving cream and then nervously shaved my coochie, praying to the She-God that I don't give myself a razor cut and bleed to death and then my epitaph would say, "She died while shaving her vagina." After that, I spent the next 2 weeks itching like crazy as the hair grew back, sharp and pokey. I wasn't going to do that again! I felt like a guy, constantly reaching down there, adjusting and scratching, hoping nobody saw me.

Anyway, there I was, in my bathroom getting ready to give myself a pubic haircut. I took my clothes off, sat down on the edge of the tub and angled a mirror to see my hairy coochie. What I saw nearly knocked me to the floor. What is that?!? That's not my coochie! What happened to my nice, pink vagina? Where did this purpley-red swollen thing come from? No one told me that when you get pregnant your vagina morphs into a purple blob! After I made a panicky appointment with the OB-GYN, she assured me that I was absolutely normal and after I had the baby, my vagina would eventually return to "normal". Normal being pink, stretched-out vagina.

Round 2, after the OB-GYN appointment where I was told that my purpley-red vagina was normal, I still thought I needed a trim, as if a nice pubic haircut would offset the Blob down there. So I grit my teeth and grab the scissors and start hacking away. I'm not sure if I improved the landscaping but I felt better about it. Finally my long pubic hair wasn't getting caught in the underwear and pulling a lone hair that can bring a charging mama elephant to her knees. You know the feeling, I know you do! A hot, sweaty vagina that's all purpley-red and swollen with crazy hair going every which way and getting tangled in the underwear and then you sit and one little hair gets yanked. Yow! It's all you can do not to reach down there and rip off your underwear. Oh no, like polite little girls, we shuffle to the bathroom as fast as we can without running, where we lock ourselves into the bathroom stall, reach inside the underwear and free that lone hair. Ahhh!

After having my 3 babies and exposing my vagina to at least 50+ people, I feel a little more braver about a Brazilian Bikini Wax. It is something I'd like to try and then I can check that off my 'Curious List'. But now you "Non-Mamas" know... when you get pregnant, not only does your belly grow and give you stretch marks (unless you're one of the lucky ones and get none), not only do your hormones go wild and turn you into a hungry, ice cream-craving (insert your food craving here) lunatic, not only do you get that "pregnant glow", not only do your boobs get bigger (yay!) and sore (boo!), not only do some of you get varicose veins on your legs, you also get a purpley-red blob for a vagina. Don't panic, it does return to normal. Stretched-out normal!